Monday, January 2, 2023

*B-Movie Monday* Amityville Karen

Lately in December I've taken it upon myself to watch and review a lot of Christmas movies. This year I turned into a real Grinch with it, proclaiming several of them as not real Christmas movies because I view myself as something of an authority on the matter at this point. Somehow that led me to the idea that I should continue reviewing movies throughout the year, but I didn't want to review the upcoming blockbusters or anything like that. No, I want to review B Movies. Be warned now, these reviews will contain spoilers. 

Genre: Horror
Watched on: Vudu
Duration: 1 hour 44 minutes
Originally aired: September 13, 2022
Directed by: Shawn C Phillips
Starring: Lauren Francesca, James Duval and Shawn C Phillips
Please see IMDb for full cast and crew information


Every neighborhood has a Karen, and Amityville is no exception. When stealing a cursed bottle of wine from a struggling local brewery, Karen soon finds that the price to pay is far more dangerous than your average hangover. Everyone in her path becomes prey, and not even a manager can be called in to stop her.


So this movie starts out with our local neighborhood Karen bathing, in her sink, like you do. Why she didn't use the tub that was literally right next to her, I do not know, other than she is not the sex-symbol of this movie and boobs that early in is probably a big no-no. After her "bath" she trolls the internet to ruin some people's days, and starts checking things off of her Karen checklist (I actually thought that was a nice touch). 

On her way to shut down a local winery that she hates for some reason, she obviously stops to get some coffee. And wouldn't you know it, she just has to call the manager to complain about her experience. She goes off about being in code enforcement and blah blah blah, and having been on the receiving end of those types of phone calls many times, that call was probably the most authentic part of this story. 

At the winery I learned that she actually is with code enforcement and that's not just something she says when she's complaining about service, and she puts the owners through the wringer. She's already been out there three times this month and there's still things they need to fix, like wiping the wine bottles from top to bottom instead of bottom to top because bottom to top spreads all the germs!!! She decides to steal a bottle of a special label wine that's being reserved for a kickoff party because she deserves it for all her hard work. Obviously she drinks it when she gets home for the day. 

That night she has a crazy dream about a chick who is practically naked ("that's offensive, put some clothes on") and we get our first boob shot while the dream chick does an upside down girl from The Ring walk. That's followed by Barnaby, the special label wine maker, showing up on her doorstep first thing in the morning to make her sign over her soul to him because she drank his wine. And in a very un-Karen like move, she does it. 

That's when she turns into a killer. A door to door salesman doesn't stand a chance when he enters her house to try and sell her a security system or something. Then she kills one of the employees at the winery with a corkscrew because he said he was going to call her manager. Another guy is acting like a chauvinist pig, so she literally eats his guts (the special effects for that were awful, especially considering the fact that this is a new movie). Honestly, the rampage she goes on was just bizarre. 

Then the movie ends with loads of news stories and like podcasters talking about Karen's killing spree, like at least five minutes of that, for really no reason. I got bored of it very quickly and could have done with one news report to get the point across. 

The acting in this movie was horribly flat and dull. The characters that had any liveliness at all just seemed like caricatures. And the sound was very spotty. There were several instances where I couldn't even hear what was being said because the actors were too far away from the mics while filming those bits. And that was pretty disappointing for me. Finally, I kept waiting for the movie to just turn into a porno. The winery set looked like it doubled as a porn set (would've at least kept the winery afloat, amiright), and a lot of the scene set-ups were just classic porn scene set-ups (Mom, if you're reading this, don't ask how I know that, I'm sure you don't really want the answer). 

This movie did hit the Karen stereotype on the head, so they got one thing right. I don't think this is one I'll ever feel compelled to watch again though. 

Favorite Quote

"You don't just sand a deck for days and let someone shit on it!"

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